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Mom Bombs


Has EVERY mother gone insane?

I'm aware that the Mother-In-Law was nuts; that's something that started many many years ago when she was put up for adoption in the 1920s and spent four years in an orphanage ... at that time they felt touching and showing affection to children would interfere with the proper parental bond. So a lot of neglected, ultimately emotionally crippled people came out of those places, and the M-i-L is just one of them.

I was sympathetic to friends whose parents were showing signs of dementia, or who were past signs and into full-blown billboards and street theatre. I won't get into details here, but some of our very good friends have been having parent problems, and one of them takes us out to dinner whenever they get a Mom Bomb - one of those letters from his mom attempting to 'fix' the relationship by reiterating that it's not her fault, that she never did any of the things she did because she's just not that kind of person, and that gosh, forgiveness is SUCH a true virtue, and she forgives THEM.

Probably this is why I felt a bit, oh, smug maybe, knowing that my own mom, despite having some tendencies to feet of clay, was at least not going to go non-linear on me.

No. But on my WIFE?

We've been married for 21 years... We have no kids.
During the first five years we were careful NOT to have them. It was too early, we both knew we needed to pay off bills, get rid of relationship toxins, etc.
After the first five years, Penny's health started going sour.
She spent six years dealing with gallbladder disease, triggered by the Nutra-System diet. During that time, she had at least two events which we later identified as very early term miscarriages.

After her grandmother's death, she was diagnosed with Diabetes, and had her gall-bladder removed, with complications. Once she was well, we tried again to have kids, and there were two more severe, nasty events involving very heavy bleeding, which, yeah, we learned were miscarriages.

At that point, our friend N. had gone through serious, nasty, unpleasant treatments to force her fertility - she had two kids, but it almost killed her each time.

We decided that it wasn't worth risking Penny's life to have kids.

Well, around a year after that, my Mom demanded to know whose fault it was that we weren't having kids. After I got done being offended that she was snooping into something that wasn't really her business (no, she has seven grandchildren, she doesn't require any from me) ... I told her the details, and said that Penny was not happy about it but that we weren't going to risk her health, that if somehow she did get pregnant, great, but no artificial measures were going to be taken.

I _thought_ she had taken my request to heart not to pester Penny about this.
I found out later that she had not, but we both put it down to her desire for 'the perfect grandchildren' ... well, guess what, Mom. T'ain't gonna happen.

So yesterday, Penny learned that she had endometrial cancer, that is, cancer of the uterine lining. It's got a very high cure rate. However, it does usually involve removing the uterus, ovaries, and sometimes the cervix (OW!) and ... no babies after that.

When I talked to Mom, I asked her if she wanted to talk to Penny, she said 'sure'.
And sometime in the conversation she mentioned that it was too bad we hadn't had any children while it was still possible, and that of course Penny hadn't wanted kids, and that Penny hadn't tried hard enough because she could have if she'd really wanted them.

Well... No. And further, what a fantastic time to tell her that, when she's still in shock!
I'm not sure how to tell my mom that she won't be seeing her daughter-in-law again.
She's very likely not to see ME again after that performance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forgiveness. Well, at some point probably, reconciliation probably not. That's going to require real repentance on HER part. At this point I'm not expecting it, because she ignored my repeated requests not to shit on Penny about having kids, because Penny already felt bad enough about it.

Dammit, Mom. This wasn't ABOUT YOU! You already have enough grandkids.

So I guess we owe our friend a dinner.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
chirikoboshi
Jul. 10th, 2002 11:35 am (UTC)
O_O
...

I can't think fo anything to comment here...
aerowolf
Jul. 10th, 2002 12:52 pm (UTC)
Non-linearity...
I'm going to repeat a comment that I made in someone else's journal, and got in trouble for:

Misogynist me sez: women are bitches.

I don't particularly see Penny as a woman -- female with balls, yes, but not a woman. (She seems to be a lot less non-linear than any woman I know, and most guys I know for that matter.) But most mothers... oy gevalt, they're the worst of the bunch.

And as for "You're never going to see your daughter-in-law again..." I'd say, "Mom, after due reflection on the flavor and hurtfulness of your comments to Penny, and your own unresolved issues, we feel it's best that Penny not be subjected to your hurtfulness ever again."

But then again, I've cut off my mom (and the remainder of my family). I can't imagine what it's like to have close family ties, of any kind.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )