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I had a preliminary job interview at 2:30 today... when I left, Penny was relaxing to go to sleep.
When I got home at 5:30ish, after stopping to get some things she would need ... she was gone.
Not breathing, face cold, and I couldn't find a heartbeat.

I called 911, and I tried rescue breathing but did not do full CPR, as we were told that would not be any good.
The sherriff and the firemen came, couldn't wake her.
She's gone. We didn't make it to 25 years.
I know she's not in pain, and I know that she is absolutely in the company of the blessed.
But she's not here, and thus the law of conservation of pain is in effect, because I'm feeling every second of it.

Damnit. I was not here, and she was just getting ready to watch Judge Judy... I missed her by such a short time.
She had just put her glasses aside to take a short nap, apparently. So it was in her sleep.

I thank all of you who gave us your prayers, love and sympathy.


( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 13th, 2006 03:51 am (UTC)
Jan. 13th, 2006 03:58 am (UTC)
You have my condolences.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 13th, 2006 04:29 am (UTC)
Oh my goodness. *hug* I'm sorry. There's.. nothing else that I can say.
Jan. 13th, 2006 04:30 am (UTC)
:( I am so sorry. My condolences to you, and both your families on your loss.
Jan. 13th, 2006 04:45 am (UTC)
Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear it, Steve. Condolences, prayers, and good wishes for y'all.
Jan. 13th, 2006 04:57 am (UTC)
I am so sorry. I don't have words for it beyond that. I am so sorry.
Jan. 13th, 2006 05:18 am (UTC)
Oh Hutch. I'm so sorry.

My condolences.
Jan. 13th, 2006 05:41 am (UTC)
Steve, I'm so sorry.
Jan. 13th, 2006 06:06 am (UTC)
I'm so very sorry.
Jan. 13th, 2006 06:36 am (UTC)
I too am so sorry. I so wish there was something I could have done. I didn't do much- over and over, I would look, look within myself, find nothing of help, say nothing.

I never stopped looking. If that's worth anything.
Jan. 13th, 2006 07:19 pm (UTC)
It is worth a great deal.

The best thing you can do now is to give Laura and company a hug, and cherish the family you have. You will do more for good in each other's lives than you can imagine.
Jan. 13th, 2006 06:59 am (UTC)
Oh no :-(
I'm so sorry to hear it. I wish I could've given more support while I was reading about this.
May she be at peace now.
Jan. 13th, 2006 07:13 am (UTC)
My God. I'm sorry. I know things have been really rough on you both these past few years, and I've lived through some of the same things, so.. My prayers are with you.
Jan. 13th, 2006 08:47 am (UTC)
My deepest condolences, Steve. I'm so very sorry. You gave her love, and that is more than most give or receive on this planet from anyone. I remember when I talked to her, and I had nothing but respect for her. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Jan. 13th, 2006 09:38 am (UTC)
I've never made any comments here before, but I've been watching, hoping, and praying for a while now. I don't know what to say. Be strong. I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts. Take care.
Jan. 13th, 2006 09:47 am (UTC)
Oh no! I am so sorry sweetie.

Do you have family nearby?

Remember to eat something with protein every day, preferably at least twice a day. Drink a lot of water. Way more than normal. Tears really leave you dehydrated. Have a shower every day. Remember to breathe. Do you have pets? If so, don't forget to feed them and give them fresh water. Give them comfort and get comforted by them. Get some sleep, even if it is only for a couple of hours a few times a day. Cry, when you can. Let yourself not think about it, if that is what your brain wants. Grieve in whatever way feels right for you, providing that they are not self destructive.

I am glad she went in her sleep. It means she went as comfortably as possible for her to go. And it is really good that she is not in pain anymore.

Nothing any of can say will make this hurt less. Nothing is going to make the pain go away. Time will make it easier to live with though. The loss of those we love never really heals up, but the wounds stop being so fresh eventually, and we can grow accustomed to living with the pain every day. The pain is there because it is part and parcel of the happiness they brought us.

We love you Steve. Let us know what you need, when you need it.
Jan. 13th, 2006 08:15 pm (UTC)
Her mother and her brother, sis-in-law and nieces are in Redding, California; her sister lives in Sacrament. My mom is in Dallas, Oregon, my dad is in Montana. Mom is my grandmother's sole caregiver (grandma is 92 with advanced Alzheimer's disease). Dad and my stepmom are not well enough to travel.

Cherie is, of course, in Seattle.

I gave fresh water to the cats last night, along with fresh food. Her special cat has been very moody and unhappy for a while, especially after Penny went to the hospital Friday. The other two, being younger cats, had taken up the slack of making sure she had sufficient cat hair in her diet and that there was always a kitty under one hand, purring. When I got home, though, they were asleep on the far side of the bed. I think they recognized that she had left that body behind.

I am surrounded by long-time friends who love us, and who also miss Penny and who, though not as immediately wounded, are feeling her absence as deeply as I do.

Thank you so much for your prayers and your presence. We both appreciated them very much while she was fighting against the cancer.
Jan. 13th, 2006 02:30 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry to hear this. That... that is so sudden. I would have thought the doctors would know she was worse off than she seemed.

I can only give you all my sympathy.
Jan. 13th, 2006 02:33 pm (UTC)
Words fail me. I'm so sorry to hear this happened. If there's anything any of us can do, please let us know.
Jan. 13th, 2006 02:50 pm (UTC)
It doesn't mean much, but you have my condolonces. I'm so sorry.
Jan. 13th, 2006 05:03 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. *HUGE hug*
Jan. 13th, 2006 05:51 pm (UTC)
I don't know what to say. I'm so very sorry. You're in my thoughts. Can't even imagine what you're going through, but I'm wishing you strength.
Jan. 14th, 2006 12:11 am (UTC)
I'm sorry, Steve.
Jan. 15th, 2006 06:38 am (UTC)
Words are so inadequate, but for what it's worth, I'm so sorry.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )


Steve Hutchison

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