Steve Hutchison (foomf) wrote,
Steve Hutchison

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I would be making a post in the Down the Rabbit Hole genre, but my life has been looking-glass land in reality and I'm not sure I could do it without getting maudlin or stupid.

I've been having the strangest dreams lately. These are ordinary dreams for the most part, but there were some exceptions.

See, Saturday night/Sunday morning, two days after Penny died...

Penny and I were talking. I don't remember the details of the surroundings - I think it was an office building, perhaps in downtown Portland. It was some sort of an official place.

She wasn't wearing her glasses because she didn't need them now, and she was thin again. She looked like she had in college except with her more recent haircut that was more flattering. She was surrounded by the same daylight glow that I remember from our wedding day, when the sun conspired with the rain clouds to create a shaft of light that hit her like stage spotlights as she was walking up the aisle.

There were men in business suits moving around, and other people at work. There was a third person present, who I couldn't see, but someone I knew and trusted and we both worked for, and he was telling her about a critically important job that he needed her to do, that was vital and that only she could do it. It would benefit countless people, but she would have to leave now to do it, and she would have to travel to another country.

She turned to me and asked me if it was all right, and I said "Of course. I love you, and if you want to do this you should. I will always be proud of you no matter what you choose."
She said "OK, I accept."

Things shifted abruptly and I wasn't in the same place any more.
Then I woke up. I wasn't sure what the job was she had been asked to do but I was certain that it was something that really was vital, and I remembered that she always felt tremendously guilty and unhappy that she wasn't employed, and wasn't 'doing anything'. I felt a tremendous sense of peace, and anticipation and confidence.

The next day was Monday, MLK Jr. day, and I wanted to watch Judge Judy (it was our evening 'date') and since I had been out of Provigil for a few days I decided to take a nap first. I knew that this meant going to sleep around the same time of day as when she had died. Firmly squashing superstitious whisperings, I nonetheless knew that I would be emotionally vulnerable to any recurrent feelings from her passing.

Narcolepsy means (almost) never having to toss and turn in bed trying to get to sleep.
I was out like a light. In fact, I fell asleep rather too fast as I was aware of being unable to move and unable to control my breathing.
Then I was in the dream. Penny and I were walking in a field filled with extravagant wildflowers. She still looked like she did in the first dream - thin as she hadn't been since college, and lit by that sunlight, but since it was all around us, it wasn't so obvious. I think the field might have been the one we can see from the living room of our apartment. We walked for a bit, talking and holding hands, and then we came to this megalithic stone structure that looked like the portals from the city of Oranbega in City of Heroes, but also very reminiscent of Aslan's How from the Narnia movie. At least that's the easiest way to describe it, since it wasn't really either of those things.

When we got there, Penny said, "OK, I have to go now. You can't go through here yet. Never forget I love you."
She stepped through the gate and was gone. I reached a hand toward her, and it met an impregnable stone surface covered in writing that now filled the opening. As I touched it, I felt a too-familiar tingling and fizzing in my extremities, the sensation of soul-leaving-body that I've had once or twice in the past.

I woke suddenly, gasping for breath.

Since then I've dreamed of her again once or twice, but it wasn't _her_ there, even though it looked like her and acted like her.
It was Dream-Penny instead of Real-Penny, and it has always been weird, mundane stuff with no transcendence whatsoever.

Like, this morning I dreamed she was mad at me because she had caught having black leg hairs from me as if it were a cold or something.
I had to pluck them with an electrolytic zapper tweezer.
The day before, it was us doing some sort of a job search thing that required us going all over town and never quite getting there.

I don't think it's a good thing to keep interrupting her at her new work, but I'd certainly rather not dream of yanking hairs with tweezers.

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