Steve Hutchison (foomf) wrote,
Steve Hutchison
foomf

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Rotten day


OK, so I'm being all 'emo' or something.

I woke up at 12:40 today and haven't accomplished anything. By the time I got fed and coherent, all the places I needed to call were closed (because the entire world runs on eastern or central time).
Why?

I was up until 6AM.
Why?

Going back to it, probably started with the Something Positive for the 27th.
It hit me hard, but it wasn't a bad hit, really. Just forced me to think about stuff I'd been putting aside - the whole 'finding her dead' thing. And I'm still not doing well with that part, because when I remember it, I feel guilty for leaving her alone and for her dying alone.
We had promised a lot of stuff to one another, stuff we couldn't guarantee, stuff we couldn't achieve no matter what, and I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I wasn't here. I don't really know if she was in pain, or afraid, or lonely. I just know that it wasn't worth it. The job pre-interview was worthless, nothing's come from it. I just know that it feels, sometimes, like someone's taken a corkscrew and driven it through my chest and out the back, and then pulled out the cork, but for some reason I haven't bled to death.

The thing is, I do have this unscientific, spiritual side, and this intuition ... I know that when she died, even if it hurt, it was so much transcended by the joy ... but that doesn't necessarily mean I can keep that with me all the time.

Anyway. So I was up too late Thursday, then Friday - my sleep schedule is twisted around. I need people. I need socialization, and I don't get that unless I reach out, mostly. Roger and Susan are coming over tomorrow night, I'll make some spaghetti and sauce and they'll bring the ground beef to boost it up a bit, and their presence will help me to do more of the stuff I should be doing but have not been doing, like actually putting clothes away, sorting the pile of medical bills to make sure I haven't lost tax information, and getting some socialization.

I've probably overdone it a bit with the City of Heroes thing, but I HAVE had a blast, in general, and it's helped take the edge off of things a bit. I played a pick-up re-spec group on Thursday night, and another on Friday night.
On Saturday, we had an appointment to do a task force (long set of connected missions with a final big reward and badge) with the Parallel Illusions (my PI is too low-level so I took my monster scrapper) and we ended up doing not just the Sister Psyche, but also the Citadel task forces. There was considerable added wasted time because of (1) the mission glitching in Talos resulting in us ending up UNDER the rocks, rather than in our mission, and (2) the many, many mapserver disconnects.

Sunday, had another attempted re-spec group on a different server, and that one failed with a total team wipe on the last wave of enemies (and it was, I'm afraid, doomed from the start, for reasons too many to be listed.)

I hooked up with some livejournal friends and we played a bit more, doing individual missions, until I cleared the debt from many, many 'defeats' at the hands of the Sky Raiders. Sometime during this process, for some reason, I thought of the Jay Geils Band song "Love Stinks" and it hit me again that Penny and I would never get to sing it at the tops of our lungs again... not that we've done so for years, but, we could have. It occurred to me that one should be very careful of what one thinks of as "Our Song" - that would NOT have been the song to play at her memorial service. Anyway. We played until we were all falling asleep (around 2:30) and we finished our mission then shut down the game.

And I was suddenly wide awake. I read some comics online, found one that I hadn't seen but which I liked, and finally realized that I wouldn't be sleeping at all if I didn't just force the issue. During this whole process, I was just slowly leaking, alternating between extreme melancholy and fatigue. I didn't have any snack foods - I have to be careful with money for a while.
And I think, the other thing that did it was that I got the death certificates on Saturday, and had just opened and read them.
They are very pretty documents, as one would expect from a government document, all multicolored and engraved and stuff.
Anyway. It was 6:30 so I called the answering service for my doctor, canceled my 11:10 appointment, and went to sleep.

I was awakened by someone asking about the Doll Club meeting on the first Wednesday of the month, and told her about the right time to come and talk, so she may show up. I hope so. I think I will go. Those guys have been extremely good friends.

So ... Yeah. Not getting enough socialization, eating a bit weird. Need to get exercise.
Lots of business stuff to do tomorrow. I can call the Leslie Benefits guys to get the info to fill out on the insurance form. Must pay rent. Must deposit some money in the account to pay for other things.
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