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Rotten day

OK, so I'm being all 'emo' or something.

I woke up at 12:40 today and haven't accomplished anything. By the time I got fed and coherent, all the places I needed to call were closed (because the entire world runs on eastern or central time).

I was up until 6AM.

Going back to it, probably started with the Something Positive for the 27th.
It hit me hard, but it wasn't a bad hit, really. Just forced me to think about stuff I'd been putting aside - the whole 'finding her dead' thing. And I'm still not doing well with that part, because when I remember it, I feel guilty for leaving her alone and for her dying alone.
We had promised a lot of stuff to one another, stuff we couldn't guarantee, stuff we couldn't achieve no matter what, and I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I wasn't here. I don't really know if she was in pain, or afraid, or lonely. I just know that it wasn't worth it. The job pre-interview was worthless, nothing's come from it. I just know that it feels, sometimes, like someone's taken a corkscrew and driven it through my chest and out the back, and then pulled out the cork, but for some reason I haven't bled to death.

The thing is, I do have this unscientific, spiritual side, and this intuition ... I know that when she died, even if it hurt, it was so much transcended by the joy ... but that doesn't necessarily mean I can keep that with me all the time.

Anyway. So I was up too late Thursday, then Friday - my sleep schedule is twisted around. I need people. I need socialization, and I don't get that unless I reach out, mostly. Roger and Susan are coming over tomorrow night, I'll make some spaghetti and sauce and they'll bring the ground beef to boost it up a bit, and their presence will help me to do more of the stuff I should be doing but have not been doing, like actually putting clothes away, sorting the pile of medical bills to make sure I haven't lost tax information, and getting some socialization.

I've probably overdone it a bit with the City of Heroes thing, but I HAVE had a blast, in general, and it's helped take the edge off of things a bit. I played a pick-up re-spec group on Thursday night, and another on Friday night.
On Saturday, we had an appointment to do a task force (long set of connected missions with a final big reward and badge) with the Parallel Illusions (my PI is too low-level so I took my monster scrapper) and we ended up doing not just the Sister Psyche, but also the Citadel task forces. There was considerable added wasted time because of (1) the mission glitching in Talos resulting in us ending up UNDER the rocks, rather than in our mission, and (2) the many, many mapserver disconnects.

Sunday, had another attempted re-spec group on a different server, and that one failed with a total team wipe on the last wave of enemies (and it was, I'm afraid, doomed from the start, for reasons too many to be listed.)

I hooked up with some livejournal friends and we played a bit more, doing individual missions, until I cleared the debt from many, many 'defeats' at the hands of the Sky Raiders. Sometime during this process, for some reason, I thought of the Jay Geils Band song "Love Stinks" and it hit me again that Penny and I would never get to sing it at the tops of our lungs again... not that we've done so for years, but, we could have. It occurred to me that one should be very careful of what one thinks of as "Our Song" - that would NOT have been the song to play at her memorial service. Anyway. We played until we were all falling asleep (around 2:30) and we finished our mission then shut down the game.

And I was suddenly wide awake. I read some comics online, found one that I hadn't seen but which I liked, and finally realized that I wouldn't be sleeping at all if I didn't just force the issue. During this whole process, I was just slowly leaking, alternating between extreme melancholy and fatigue. I didn't have any snack foods - I have to be careful with money for a while.
And I think, the other thing that did it was that I got the death certificates on Saturday, and had just opened and read them.
They are very pretty documents, as one would expect from a government document, all multicolored and engraved and stuff.
Anyway. It was 6:30 so I called the answering service for my doctor, canceled my 11:10 appointment, and went to sleep.

I was awakened by someone asking about the Doll Club meeting on the first Wednesday of the month, and told her about the right time to come and talk, so she may show up. I hope so. I think I will go. Those guys have been extremely good friends.

So ... Yeah. Not getting enough socialization, eating a bit weird. Need to get exercise.
Lots of business stuff to do tomorrow. I can call the Leslie Benefits guys to get the info to fill out on the insurance form. Must pay rent. Must deposit some money in the account to pay for other things.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 31st, 2006 02:29 am (UTC)
I kinda expected you might resonate a bit too much with S*P. I considered trying to send some sort of "brace yourself" warning, but in the end figured you'd see it eventually, and it'd either be part of your process of coping...or it wouldn't.

Jan. 31st, 2006 06:56 am (UTC)
In general it was good; I sent RkM a note about it, that he should ignore the whining people because it was very powerful work and a good thing.

I saw it about 10 minutes after he put it up, too. Just didn't post about it until today.

When Penny and I lived in Beaverton in the third apartment in the Butner Road complex (Holly Hill Apartments) the old man across the hall from us had some kind of a struggle with cancer. He was very aggressive about grabbing 'help' from people until they would run away at his approach. After the first week we installed some limits very aggressively and managed to keep a more open arrangement, where he would call on us when he really needed help but couldn't monopolize every free moment.

He told us the story of his wife's death - she had heart disease caused by rheumatoid arthritis, and she had died in his arms - and that was one of the things that had caused us to think about whether or not we wanted to be together when we died. Ideally, we thought it would be good to go quietly in our sleep at the age of about 250 years. Penny had told her Stephen Minister once that she wouldn't be able to handle seeing me break down; I can certainly understand that.
Jan. 31st, 2006 02:46 am (UTC)
After my mother died, I was moaning to a friend about how I should have done this, that, and the other thing, and she stopped me and said "the shoulda coulda wouldas will get you every time, but it would not have made any difference." It's natural, I think, to beat up on ourselves - that had we just done something different, they would: not have died/died happier/died later/healed miracuously/fill in blank with your choice of happy endings. I think it's just part of the dealing with it all that makes us do this.

And anyway - she WASN'T alone - God took her hand and pulled her through into the light. Just as you are not alone...can you imagine getting through this WITHOUT God?
Jan. 31st, 2006 06:58 am (UTC)
Without God and without his presence acting through my friends, family, and church, I would probably be a miserable useless drunken wreck. But that would be the case anyway, even if Penny hadn't died. So. Yeah.
Jan. 31st, 2006 11:22 pm (UTC)
There's a 100% fatal STD going around. It's called "life".

Which is better -- quantity or quality? What balance would you have struck in your teens? 20s? 30s? How have your attitudes changed, and why?
Feb. 1st, 2006 07:53 am (UTC)

Not sure what the point is here, Kyle.

Why or how would I measure quality or quantity?
Of what? Life-experience?

I can't easily query my teens, twenties, or thirties. I never really thought in those terms.
Jan. 31st, 2006 04:18 am (UTC)
"I know that when she died, even if it hurt, it was so much transcended by the joy"

It was. And it was most likely wonderful for her.

But that doesn't help you, because you're still here on this Earth, and you're human and miss her and feel all the guilt and so forth.

You're human, Hutch. That's how we were all made, with our quirks and foibles. At least you recognize (most of) them, so the intellect can get to work on it.

Too bad it doesn't necessarily work with the heart.

I hope the Doll Club meeting goes well. I love you.

Jan. 31st, 2006 06:59 am (UTC)
Thank you.
Feb. 1st, 2006 07:17 pm (UTC)
Why you were not there when she died
A year and a half ago my mother died - in a hospital bed - she had had a stroke and was just in the bed - the doctors tried things, but her brain was now dead and we were just waiting for the body to die. All day (since about 2am) I was in her room wiating - close to 9pm it was time for Sue Thomas FBEye to come on - we always watched it together, so I turned the TV set in the hospital room to the station, but it seemed to be off the air. All of the other stations were working except that one. I went to another room in the hospital to find out if it was just our tv set or maybe I had the wrong channel - this only took 5 minutes. When I got back to the room she had died. Why do you think that was? I think that it would not have been a pleasant time for me - God knew this. Mom didn't mind. There is nothing we could have done for my mom or for Penny. God spared us from watching death ripping our loved ones away. Count it a blessing.
Feb. 2nd, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
Re: Why you were not there when she died
I'm sorry about your Mom's passing that way. In some ways, your experience was much worse, but in others it was probably easier... by the time she passed, her body dying was just the final step in something you'd already known to be true.

I won't second-guess God in this, as I'm sure Penny also had a choice in the timing. I know we wanted to be together when it happened, but she was more ambivalent than I was about it. If I could have made it easier for her I would have.

It was not easier for me, though - I lost it rather badly for almost a minute before I called 911, but I was doing the 'first aid' thing as well. This compounded with my feeling incredibly guilty that I had stopped to get some unnecessary food things - that was an unplanned diversion - and that if I had only cut short that trip, I could have gotten home in time to be with her.

I dunno. In the final analysis, death is extremely private. Nobody else truly shares those moments with you except for God.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )