Steve Hutchison (foomf) wrote,
Steve Hutchison

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Nonspecific diffuse unfocused angst


In a previous entry I commented that I was prepared to leave one of the muxen on which I've been RPing. It required a miracle for me to stay there (the resolution of a very sticky mess in RP), and another for my absent friend Gordon to reappear.

And, one half of the miracle came true.
The sticky mess got resolved. Though my interest in playing there is still somewhat flagging, at least it's been OK.

The other half has not come true. Gordon is still absent.
My birthday came and went, and his characters are now subject to timeout and removal.

And, as I'm dealing with Penny's cancer... emotionally, getting a chance to RP is a very needed release, but instead it's been more frustrating than before. The people I'd like to RP with are either unavailable or unwilling to do so. So, I'm going to start looking for some other way to diffuse the emotions that I can't really afford to feel too deeply right now.

Tomorrow I get to drive south to visit my mother. Huzzah.
I love my mom, but ... she didn't call me on my birthday because she thought I had told her not to call her.

What I told her was, as simply as possible, that I needed to still hear from her, but Penny did not want to talk to her, that she couldn't handle that right now, that an email or a letter would be something safe enough because she could ignore it until she had the emotional resources to deal with it. Somehow Mom took that to mean that *I* didn't want to talk to her.

Wonderful. So my Mom has been suffering miserably for several days because *I* rejected her... Feh.

So that's part of what's festering in the back of my mind, that and enervation from the recent heat wave, and increasing desperation as the job market continues to be nothing in particular.

I'm sure I should be praying more. I feel better when I do, but I'm not seeing anything more concrete than that. No improvement in the job front anyway. I haven't yet won the lottery, as far as I know anyway. So it makes me feel good... is that enough, to feel good when my wife has cancer, my mother thinks I hate her, and I've been without a real job for a year and a quarter?

Well, this is getting me nowhere too. It's not resolving anything either, just focussing the irritation at random.

Maybe I should try praying again and see if listening in silence helps.
At least it can't hurt. I hope.

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