I was bored last night, and decided to go see a movie.
So I went to Nanny MacPhee. Which is, frankly, a wonderful movie, although the blithering idiot reviewer who said that it's better in every way than the Chronicles of Narnia movie is an incompetent reviewer, incompetent movie critic, and probably finds reruns of Yugi-Oh challenging mentally.
However, two things ...
First that they changed the story; the Nurse Matilda books have both parents still living, and I recall no ominous aunties lurking in the background. Then again, I haven't seen them since sometime in third or fourth grade, when one of them was read to the class. Book Reading time was one of my favorite parts of that class. I know they had the father a widower in order to make the love story possible.
Second ... it tore at me with fishhooks to see when Nanny MacPhee would bow courteously to the empty chair.
I was a wreck at the end of the film, too.
Then tonight, I turned in revulsion from yet another showing of Boondocks (vile) on Cartoon Network, and found that they were showing Goodbye, Mr. Chips on TCM. So I watched it for a while. Peter O'Toole has never been a lovely singer. Petula Clark, though, has been.
Like a coward, I just turned it off when they got to the part where Chipping is telling Caroline that he may be getting the position as headmaster. Because, from there on, bad things happen.
Mom wants me to go down on Tuesday, which is February 14th, but I don't really want to. But I also don't think it'd be a good idea for me to be alone then. It would've been our 25th wedding anniversary.
We had planned, we were going to the Overleaf Lodge in Yachats for a few days, like we did for our 20th, before the economy went to shit and things started falling apart.
I'd like to make our traditional anniversary meal but I wouldn't be able to eat it. Asparagus, lamb rib roast, possibly some new potatoes or jasmine rice. Most likely, some sort of chocolate, possibly from Moonstruck Chocolates, as a dessert, taken with a very small glass of orange liqueur to toast the anniversary.
I'll probably still do that toast.
My dreams lately have been making me wake up yelling, or wanting to, and shocked awake with my heart pounding.
Because they're about day-to-day stuff, only Penny's still in them, still alive, still sick sometimes.
I don't want to dream about her being sick. I don't want to keep trying to go back to fix what we did wrong.
I don't want to keep hearing her voice calling me at bedtime any more.
Tomorrow will be one month.