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two months

I'm up too late. It's after midnight, so I don't have time to watch a movie, especially as I have to get up and go to work early enough that I can leave in time to meet Brad and Linda at Reedville Cafe at 6pm.

Today was the 12th - two months, by the calendar, but last Thursday was actually 8 weeks, and I'm not sure that it makes sense for me to carry both dates around as daggers in my heart. Maybe for a little longer.

The severe pain isn't as bad as it was, but if I stop, and remember, and deliberately think about it, the emotional scab rips off and it's just as bad for a little while. The uncontrolled sobbing isn't there, but I still leak at times. Like when I drove over to the car dealer tonight.

I'm finding that I still argue with Penny, and I still lose much more often than I win. I think she's cheating, maybe.
I'm pretty sure she likes the car, and I'm pretty sure she agrees that it's sad to get rid of her car, but in her last days she had been finding it uncomfy and irksome with the occasional balking engine. I'm keeping the silk rose from the vase. I may get a vase to put in the Prius.

Still not sure what I want to do. The annoying call yesterday (only annoying because of timing) was from my uncle Bob's widow, Elaine.
I was talking about the at-loose-ends sensation ... no longer an Us, and my responsibilities to ensure that Penny was secure and supported are no longer the compelling thing, and ... did I like my new job? Well, yeah, I have always kind-of liked testing and/or writing software, and I find the new stuff challenging because of the vast amount of stuff I don't know about spectrum analyzers, but do I think it's going to be central to my life going forward?

I don't know. I don't know if this is what God wants me to do in the long run. I probably won't know until I heal more from the amputation of half of my soul. And Elaine was amazed that I had this much insight into myself.

Well, I should hope that after almost fifty years, half of that married to a Woman Who Thinks Deeply, that I should have learned at least that much, not to mention, I've always had the capacity for introspection, even if I don't make it obvious.

Hm. Maybe I've still got a ways to go, if a properly phrased sentence or two can evoke that much pain.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 13th, 2006 11:49 pm (UTC)

Mar. 14th, 2006 02:19 am (UTC)
My mother died in 1998, and today in Long's I looked down an aisle and thought I saw her. It never goes away.
Mar. 14th, 2006 09:27 am (UTC)
And I'm not sure that it ever really SHOULD go away.

I thought your mom had died before then. For some reason I had it in my head that she died sometime before Penny had the phone call from her mom that blew up their relationship.
Mar. 14th, 2006 09:38 am (UTC)
this is perfectly normal and healthy. Just so you know.

Even just losing my best friend, someone that I was only really close to for a couple of years, I *still* weep and have weird minor issues with the loss (as an example, doing the croatoa tf this evening, and one of the spirits that is rescuable in the last mission has her name and I was anxious that the team decided to NOT rescue her because it was not in the direct path to the door). I know she is still occassionally haunting my apartment (she still checks our front door lock now and then, and sometimes talks to one of our cats). Occassionally I will find myself searching for a particular post in my own journal and find a comment from her and it just hits me again and I get all kinds of weepy.

and my loss is a drop in comparison to the ocean that is your loss. I still had a lot of my life that was not intertwined with her. We had mutual friends and all, but most of the time I spent with those friends I was not doing so *with* her. Most of the time I spent with her was really just the two of us, or with one or two friends now and then.

It's going to be painful for a long time. You will see her everywhere for the rest of your life (though the sightings will decrease in frequency). You will miss her and think of her often for the rest of your life.

The pain does not go away. But you do get used to it. And it gets easier to accept and deal with. It also gets easier to expect; you grow accustomed to know that certain things, people, places, or phrases will bring it all back fresh and that knowing makes it a lot easier to deal with the pain when it does come. Knowing also makes it easier to skirt around some things if yhou just dont feel strong enough right then for them.

I am so happy for you that you had this kind of love and this kind of person in your life at all. I am extra happy for you that you had her there so much a part of you for that long. :)

She will always be a part of you, just as you will always be a part of her.

*hugs* Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )