Steve Hutchison (foomf) wrote,
Steve Hutchison

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two months

I'm up too late. It's after midnight, so I don't have time to watch a movie, especially as I have to get up and go to work early enough that I can leave in time to meet Brad and Linda at Reedville Cafe at 6pm.

Today was the 12th - two months, by the calendar, but last Thursday was actually 8 weeks, and I'm not sure that it makes sense for me to carry both dates around as daggers in my heart. Maybe for a little longer.

The severe pain isn't as bad as it was, but if I stop, and remember, and deliberately think about it, the emotional scab rips off and it's just as bad for a little while. The uncontrolled sobbing isn't there, but I still leak at times. Like when I drove over to the car dealer tonight.

I'm finding that I still argue with Penny, and I still lose much more often than I win. I think she's cheating, maybe.
I'm pretty sure she likes the car, and I'm pretty sure she agrees that it's sad to get rid of her car, but in her last days she had been finding it uncomfy and irksome with the occasional balking engine. I'm keeping the silk rose from the vase. I may get a vase to put in the Prius.

Still not sure what I want to do. The annoying call yesterday (only annoying because of timing) was from my uncle Bob's widow, Elaine.
I was talking about the at-loose-ends sensation ... no longer an Us, and my responsibilities to ensure that Penny was secure and supported are no longer the compelling thing, and ... did I like my new job? Well, yeah, I have always kind-of liked testing and/or writing software, and I find the new stuff challenging because of the vast amount of stuff I don't know about spectrum analyzers, but do I think it's going to be central to my life going forward?

I don't know. I don't know if this is what God wants me to do in the long run. I probably won't know until I heal more from the amputation of half of my soul. And Elaine was amazed that I had this much insight into myself.

Well, I should hope that after almost fifty years, half of that married to a Woman Who Thinks Deeply, that I should have learned at least that much, not to mention, I've always had the capacity for introspection, even if I don't make it obvious.

Hm. Maybe I've still got a ways to go, if a properly phrased sentence or two can evoke that much pain.

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