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17 weeks

17 weeks.

I've been having more frequent breakdown attacks. Yesterday, when I came home, I was fine, I sat in the chair in front of my PC, and just started sobbing. Clint came running up "mwreowreowreowreowOW?" and insisted that I pick him up. He was all lick the ears, wash the hair, purr like a mad purring thing, which I thought was tremendously odd of him. He did get a bit hyper with the nipping after a while.

I've been either too tired, too distracted, or too lazy, I can't tell, but I haven't been doing my treadmill. This must stop.
I do not have forever before I get to go back to the endocrinologist and I need to show progress or get into the same trouble my brother Casey is in - he now gets to inject insulin, because truck driving doesn't give him time to exercise right.

Also, I've been uncommonly sardonic, hostile, defensive of myself or others, and really nasty in my responses to people who I feel are being foolish. I have managed not to take that to work, fortunately, but it's got to stop. If there is anything I must not lose from my time with Penny it's that she taught me not to be a vicious sarcastic bastard.

My stephen minister visit was better tonight than last time. Next one in two weeks. He quite understood when I said "the sledgehammer of their loving concern".

I know what's causing it. Partly, it's music. I've decided I cannot stay away from music forever, even if it does flay me open sometimes. And, partly, it's that I'm realizing, with every thing I do, just how much it is NOT like it used to be, and how it never will be again. It's like the Pho the first time I went back - it doesn't taste the same, without the pleasure of sharing it with the other half of my heart. I can barely remember her voice, and I'm angry with myself for deleting her last phone message, though she wouldn't have wanted "Hurry home, I need a bedpan," as her last words to me.

I think it's time to start deliberately choosing memories to enhance and to stop flashing back on that last day.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
foxcutter
May. 12th, 2006 07:22 am (UTC)
I think it's time to start deliberately choosing memories to enhance and to stop flashing back on that last day.
I think that is a very good idea. Maybe you should tell us some of the joyfull times, the best times, the times that were truly unforgetable. That way you can share that joy, which will make it grow.

I miss her too.
foomf
May. 12th, 2006 09:30 am (UTC)
My plan was to do some of that on her journal, rubyloot, but I keep finding myself without time due to work etc.

Will try anyway.
rickj
May. 12th, 2006 01:14 pm (UTC)
Take care of yourself, man. Your friends worry about you.
foomf
May. 12th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I'm amazed at how much STUFF has been hitting people I know over the last year. At least the die-off rate at my church has slowed. For a while we were losing a member to one of many ailments (not just the older ones) every other week for about four months in a row. A more superstitious Christian (me, in earlier days) would attribute this to spiritual attack from the Enemy - since this has been happening mostly to the church leaders, the 'good ones'. I now suspect that the timing is because we have a lot of (new and old) people who need to see and recognize how this happens, and how we have to uphold one another; if this world is boot camp for the world-to-come, then we've just hit one of those 50 mile marches in full gear.
drath
May. 14th, 2006 01:49 am (UTC)
Awesome new icon.

"The sledgehammer of concern"... that's why I prefer to use a nerf-bat. There is no real way of telling how much is enough or too much.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )