Steve Hutchison (foomf) wrote,
Steve Hutchison

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17 weeks

17 weeks.

I've been having more frequent breakdown attacks. Yesterday, when I came home, I was fine, I sat in the chair in front of my PC, and just started sobbing. Clint came running up "mwreowreowreowreowOW?" and insisted that I pick him up. He was all lick the ears, wash the hair, purr like a mad purring thing, which I thought was tremendously odd of him. He did get a bit hyper with the nipping after a while.

I've been either too tired, too distracted, or too lazy, I can't tell, but I haven't been doing my treadmill. This must stop.
I do not have forever before I get to go back to the endocrinologist and I need to show progress or get into the same trouble my brother Casey is in - he now gets to inject insulin, because truck driving doesn't give him time to exercise right.

Also, I've been uncommonly sardonic, hostile, defensive of myself or others, and really nasty in my responses to people who I feel are being foolish. I have managed not to take that to work, fortunately, but it's got to stop. If there is anything I must not lose from my time with Penny it's that she taught me not to be a vicious sarcastic bastard.

My stephen minister visit was better tonight than last time. Next one in two weeks. He quite understood when I said "the sledgehammer of their loving concern".

I know what's causing it. Partly, it's music. I've decided I cannot stay away from music forever, even if it does flay me open sometimes. And, partly, it's that I'm realizing, with every thing I do, just how much it is NOT like it used to be, and how it never will be again. It's like the Pho the first time I went back - it doesn't taste the same, without the pleasure of sharing it with the other half of my heart. I can barely remember her voice, and I'm angry with myself for deleting her last phone message, though she wouldn't have wanted "Hurry home, I need a bedpan," as her last words to me.

I think it's time to start deliberately choosing memories to enhance and to stop flashing back on that last day.

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