It seems that some music, and certain movies, and some television programs, have long had the power to suddenly and thoroughly negate all my carefully constructed structures of calm, to change the fortress into a facade, to strip off the armor and the balustrades and the stone clad walls. This wasn't always the case - I cultivated a deliberate disdain of anything that was sappy, sentimental, mawkish, emotional, frivolous or flagrant in its indulgence in childishness.
Of course this didn't extend to those things I chose for myself - watching cartoons and animation, reading comics.
I think the first crack in the hip-stones of the castle came sometime in my second year of University. I took Penny to see Little Big Man one night, and found myself being yanked all over the place by the film, even though I'd read the book long before. Over the years we found a collection of stories, music, but mostly movies, that would widen the cracks, soften a few scales, take down a wall or a fence. I loved to watch these with Penny, because we could look at one another, shout "SNIF!" and then hug, or laugh together, or whatever. It was, to be blunt and maudlin, safe to allow them to do this, because it was defenselessness shared together safely in love.
Unfortunately, these select films and movies and songs still do that, and all the intolerable emotion that I cannot indulge in a public place, or when I have to function at all, surges to the fore, along with all the memories of the last thirty years.
Because this has happened quite a bit this week, I should remember and only listen or watch when I'm prepared for it.
Can't always help it though; at church today, we were singing a hymn that I couldn't finish - All Creatures of Our God and King.
So I turned on 'Finding Neverland' tonight with the thought that I could listen to it as I programmed. But, no, not really a great idea. I'm now de-focused. And 'The Return of the King' is on now, which is also distracting, but I've seen it, and there is thunder, but ... [later] I didn't turn it off. Time to get back to work. I need to post my hours.