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Week 27

I feel numb, I guess.

Somewhere I got a big shot of emotional novacain.

This is six months and one week, or 27 weeks, since I found Penny's cast-aside shell. I was going to post this last night, but it was way too late and I'm going to try to get in to work before noon.

I'm NOT 'done healing' or any such rot. Even writing this, because I'm paying attention, I know that the pain is still there.
I'm also going to go out of my way to find it. I ordered a bunch of music off CDBaby yesterday. It's been years since we bought music.
Part of what I bought is some 'new age' stuff - just listening to the sample, which had no lyrics and no explicit meaning, started me leaking again, which does not bode well for me ever being able to listen to music casually. Therefore, I will listen to it intentionally, so it won't ambush me like that song last week.

I have two goals for the coming week.
First, I need to get my hours shifted to a more decent time. Getting to work by 10AM at the latest.
Second, once I pick my bicycle up from GI Joes, I need to ride it to work, or to a MAX station near work and then build up to longer rides.

Two things yesterday that I noticed.
First, that I stopped at Albertsons and got chicken for lunch/dinner - I have to stop doing that on Thursdays.
Second, that I howled when I got home - forgot for a moment. Then I did it again on purpose.

Y'know... talking about this in person is almost more than I can manage, but writing it here ... still just as bad, but maybe because I'm not keeping my public defenses going, and I can stop long enough to blow my nose or curse or yell or cuddle my extremely needy cat, it's just possible to do it.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 21st, 2006 06:37 pm (UTC)
Writing it out lets you vent it on your terms, wholly and completely, at the pace you set, and what you are comfortable with. It also lets you edit, as you "say" it, and even after it's posted, you can still go back and edit.

I understand about venting in privacy, to the public.

Hugs from us down here.

Jul. 22nd, 2006 02:40 am (UTC)
sometimes it helps to just have a friend to sit quietly nearby.

*silently passes you some tissues
Jul. 22nd, 2006 11:44 pm (UTC)
I dreamed Thursday night that Penny and I were shopping and going out to eat (sorry, I don't remember the rest - I don't seem to be able to remember dreams any more) and when I woke up, I had a hard time understanding that she isn't here any more. It was very real.
Jul. 23rd, 2006 09:54 pm (UTC)
... I dreamed Friday morning that Penny and I were eating at something like a Shari's but much nicer, and having a long conversation about what I'm doing and what she's doing now (don't remember the details, no great surprise, just that she was enjoying it a lot) and I'm pretty sure she said she was planning to visit folks, before I woke up.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )