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week 38

I am recovering this week. Saturday was a stern avoidance of things that cannot be, and an attempt to find new ways to want to go on.

Sunday, despite being awake and up, I didn't go into church. Emoish feeb that I have become, I find that I am still not yet able to handle in-your-face sympathy. I'm getting there though. Monday night I realized that I was spending immense energy in tensing physically against emotional pain. This makes it worse, just as it does with physical.

So I've been deliberately centering. Sinking each breath thru the zero-point just below the navel, it takes the tension away at least. I don't try to not-feel the pain. It helps, though, for keeping a steady voice, and if tears come they aren't forced out in unwanted public intimacy, no real life equivalent to the naked dream.

Speaking of dreams. Tuesday night, aka Wednesday morning 3AM, as I settled for sleep I requested at least a dream to help guide me. I am tired from having no real goals.

After I woke and went back to sleep again, I had that dream. In it, Penny was alive, we were doing something about getting a house, and when I realised it was a dream, I "woke" to the realization that Penny dying had just been a dream, and went to talk with her about it, and she started to say, "but this is the dream."
At that, I did wake up, and wasn't sure when I did finally get up which reality was true. I remembered college, and a girlfriend whose father had died, five or six months before, and realized that I suddenly understood her seeing him on the streets, turning the corner ahead, and coming out of doors she was entering.

Today, I went to get some things from the vet and to get some computer equipment - I am replacing my computer with a homebuilt and have gone a bit mad in the process, but I want to clear off my home system so it can be configured as a server system for church, and to do so, I need to make some room at home to build it. So, will need to clean, and will need to do so quickly so we can get it going there.

I also stopped to eat dinner at Treasure Island ... this is one of those traditions that I will try to renew. Penny and I had reserved Thursday evening for our dinner together, to be held at a restaurant or at home. We tried to keep doing that. The day she died I had stopped at Albertsons to get some of the chicken she liked. This isn't quite a picnic at her gravestone - that would have been at church - but I did try something new, in memory, because we pushed each other to new things.

Last thing and I am putting it here in the hopes that I won't forget when I talk to my neurologist.

I am increasingly having trouble recalling nouns, getting the right word. This is a bad thing for my work. I need to get this checked to see if it is a problem.