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day 420



Somehow in the last few weeks it's gotten temporarily easier to talk about Penny's death, and to talk to people who care about me and who were good friends with Penny about how I'm dealing with my own pain.

Yesterday we had our prayer chain meeting. The prayer chain is ... well, people contact the church with requests for prayer for intercession for all sorts of things. Illness is most common.
It's confidential, we don't tell anyone not on the prayer chain about anything that's on the list and we don't discuss the details with anyone, but we are responsible for following up on anyone whose requests come through us, so we can either update the prayers, or remove the request when things have resolved. I was able to answer questions about how I personally am dealing with things, without losing composure, although there was a definite 'Hey, I'm here, all the panic and loss that you dealt with' in the background.

I resent sometimes that I've lost the ability to choose which emotions I can feel; that was my defense mechanism during childhood and the hormonal insanity of adolescence, but it was also a trap since they were still there, and would jump me at unexpected times. And, admittedly, I did some of that repression the night Penny died - I had to, because there was stuff I had to do. I had to keep my head when the firefighters wanted to resuscitate, and show them the DNR papers with the doctor's signature about the cancer. I had to sign the paperwork and help the two girls (who had to be under 110 pounds each) move her body onto the gurney so they could take her to the mortuary. I had to keep my composure in front of all the people who were there, because if I hadn't I would never have gotten it back.

The pain is still there, empty-socket-soul. Just not as much, not as often. I might be to a point where I can start to build her memorial.


Friday I had an interview at Azad. I've been given cautionary tales of the place, and I know not to expect it to be the perfect place, but hell, it's as close to permanent as anything I've been given hope for.

Today I took the computer to church, to discover that there wasn't a need for it for the assistant rector because she'd already been given one, but there WILL be a use for it.



And incidentally I think it's astonishingly stupid to start daylight slavings time a month early and stop it a month late. Half of my clocks are smart enough to deal, the other half are not. Feh.