Steve Hutchison (foomf) wrote,
Steve Hutchison

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Muggy-hot 4th of July

Sunday was the mother in law's birthday; I went to lunch with friends and totally spaced on calling her until it was too late at night. Monday I called her but she wasn't home.

Monday I also went to see my neurologist; he prescribed not less but MORE provigil: a 100mg dose just before 2pm when the usual 'sleep wave' hits me. The medical insurance did not pay for it as they're supposed to because random medications must be pre-approved by a bean-counting drone before they will permit them.
Actually I think it's because provigil is so damned expensive, so I may grant them that, but it wasn't in any handbook or terms that I got that they had to do that.

While it's the fourth, it's also Wednesday. It was Wednesday the 3rd of July in 2002 when guests arrived from out of town, and when Penny went in to Kaiser and had a D&C done (no anaesthesia, thanks) and they identified the uterine cancer.

Reading back, I see that I was pretty mopey over stupid stuff, but I'd still mope over most of it. Angst over games is stupid but inevitable if you care about them.

In 2003, the 4th was a Friday. Penny and I went to Westercon in SeaTac, and we watched the fireworks all around on the horizon. She hadn't recovered strength enough to walk around but we had a rented wheelchair, which was good, and soft carpets at the hotel, which was bad.

I have no record of what we did for the 4th in 2004. Penny couldn't get around very well at all... right. That was the year when we were playing Animal Crossing - at least part of the time we watched fireworks on the game.

In 2005, though I didn't write anything down, we were in the apartment. The upstairs and over one neighbors were shooting bottle rockets and such off their balcony, and being loud and drunken. We couldn't see the fireworks at the airport. It was hot, though not intolerable, and we basically stayed home together and ate barbecue that I made.

In 2006, I drove to Redding to visit family there, and drove back on the 4th. In reading it, I realized one thing: the flashbacks have, largely, stopped. I can, and do, remember the things Penny and I did, but I'm not being shoved so hard into the memory that I have to use emergency dissociative tricks to separate my physical reflexes from the emotional processes.
(That's something I developed as a continually-bullied kid, and it was decades before I knew what it was I was doing.)

Mom called me to ask me to come down to my brother Casey's 4th-of-July picnic, so I'll go, but I have a profound apathy about it. It'll be good though. I plan not to stay past 6pm but ... oh well.

I may follow up on this later.

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