January 20th, 2006


State of the world

It's been a few days since I updated.

Things are, if not going well, at least progressing. It's seven days since I came home to find my wife had died in my brief absence. In that seven days I've learned that she was better loved than most people, and that I am as well, which is really a surprise in some ways.

I've learned that I shouldn't cook for myself without a plan because I'll either make too much, and then eat too much, or make too little, and then get the munchies.

In dreams, my own and others, I learned that Penny is surrounded in white light, floating in pure joy (Marcie); that she was in prison for many years and has suddenly been set free (Janet); and that she had a really important job to do, something that only she could do, that she had been prepared for specifically, something that will make all of creation a better place, (my dream) and I was simultaneously envious and happy about that. I also 'accompanied' her in another dream, from darkness to a brightly lit field with wildflowers, and to a circular stone gate with a stone seal (imagery inspired by Narnia and by Oranbega in City of Heroes, I suspect ... the real thing would be very different) and that she was able to go through but she told me I couldn't yet, and I woke up gasping for breath. (That latter thing is a narcoleptic symptom; sometimes my nervous system turns off all my voluntary motor nerves, and breathing is semi-voluntary so I get panicky.)

The obituary was in Monday's paper, and I didn't expect it because they called me to ask about it on Monday.
It's also on the website, at http://www.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/obits/113745572756810.xml&coll=7 for those who want to get at it.

Penny's special cat, Faux Paw, has heart disease. She's 20 years old (or very close to that) and I think she was with Penny when she died - because Faux Paw has been very unhappy all week. I got fluid taken out of the lining around her lungs on Saturday, and need to get her on some heart meds, soon (but haven't been able to get to Costco yet. Tomorrow though.)

I got about 25 cards from friends today. Had dinner at Brad and Linda's as Brad was suffering through a night of Green Jello and Chicken Broth - followed by a bottle of FLUSH-O-PURGE. He's having a colonoscopy tomorrow, and endoscopy just for safety sake, poor guy. Still, better to know. I suppose I will have to do this same thing in the next year or so. !yay! Anyway, Brad and Linda had made up a photo book with all the pictures they could find from over the years. Something absolutely nifty. It made me very happy to see her face again.

For christmas, some years ago, she made me a little pink dragon out of Fimo, which was holding out its heart to me. When I find that dragon, I will make an LJ icon of it for her journal. It's somewhere, in storage.

While writing this, I'm watching The Prisoner on BBC America. This was another of the things I share with Penny.
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive

Very tired.

I got home around 10pm... played a bit of City of Heroes before the 'falling asleep' thing got to me.

When I got to the bedroom, Faux Paw was sitting next to my side of the bed, so I tried to give her the pill (and promised her I would get the heart meds!) but she wouldn't take it, and as I snuggled her she started panting for breath again, and she felt really cold.

So I took her in to Dove Lewis Emergency Pet Hospital in Portland. It was about 3AM. I had a hard time finding the place, as usual. Must remember, "Pettygrove", "Pet E Grove" ... and 20th street.

She had about 80ml of fluid built up again, and was dehydrated, and very cold - only 97 degrees (Penny's usual body temperature) and cats are supposed to be around 103.

They put her in a special warming bed, feeding her intravenous fluids (and food) and I left, planning to return by 8am to take her to our local vet. It was about 4:45 and by the time I got to the Tanasbourne shopping center, I was hungry and Safeway was closed, so I went to Shari's Restaurant and got a breakfast thing. For no reason, around 5:40, I called my home phone to retrieve messages.

She'd had a cardiac arrest five minutes earlier, and they had done stuff to keep her going, so I paid and tore back into town, getting there after about 20 minutes. She had stopped breathing on her own, but her heart was beating. I could barely 'feel' her in there ... she was very tired, and the doctor said she would not survive being taken off the breathing. I asked them to give her something to ease her passing.

So, around 6:30, Penny's personal best cat went across the Rainbow Bridge to join her.

They told me what was wrong. The fluid around her lungs was full of cancer cells. Our poor kitty had cancer too.

I am very tired of my family dying, and I really hate cancer.
  • Current Mood
    numb numb