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Various ponderings

First you must realize that I am sweltering, or actually, finally cooling down from sweltering. It was 98 degrees at 2pm, 106 at 4pm (according to my car thermometer after driving around) and is still above 80.

This is Not My Favorite Weather. I know some of you live where it's worse. I don't care. You chose to live in that unfit-for-humans clime; I live in Oregon because, in part, it's supposed to be TEMPERATE. The few times every year that it does this, I will Kvetch.


2002 was six years ago. Six years ago, more or less around this time, Penny got the call that said "Your PAP test found abnormal squamous cells. You need to go in for a D&C to find out how bad this is."

And early in July, just before the friends from Florida and Washington arrived for a visit, we got the news that the D&C was extremely positive for cancer.

This has been bubbling around my subconscious. I went to a friend's place for a housewarming party (it was 104 degrees outside, and thus the house was indeed successfully warmed) and I realized that I have been pretty much starving for in-person conversation.

So, having actually gone to Tha Theatrah in person, I was wondering about Avenue Q and trying to remember where I had read about Jeff Whitty, and googled up his blog. And for my friends (especially certain of my gay friends who should know better) there was this: http://www.whitless.com/gayconspiracy.htm

I think I like Mr. Whitty :)

In 2002 I was pondering the book of Job, and the miserableness of poverty and unemployment and uncertainty and illness and the difficulty of believing that God does actually care, and that it was hard to believe sometimes that He did actually have a hand in the running of our lives.

I have recovered, to some small extent, but at a price that I feel was too high - I did not lose my faith, and I did not lose my life, but my life-mate died. She became a statistic: Cancer patient who did not survive five years.

And yet, recovered, I am still not really 'better' as far as I can tell. I don't seek out other people to talk with that much, because even though I'm an extravert and I need other people, I've had something much better. I'm listless, and it reflects into my physical health.

I suppose I could refer to it as "going emotionally vegan" - which I do not consider in any way a healthy or beneficial lifestyle, by the way, being vegan that is. While we eat far too much meat, technically, our bodies require both animal and vegetable foods to really be healthy. In my case I require both the conversation, and the profoundly intimate sharing and acceptance that Penny and I gave one another. And I'm not going to find that elsewhere, nor do I really want to.

edit to add: Matt Harding has done another Where the Hell is Matt? video. Don't forget to click the "high quality" link on the lower right if you have a good connection.

"Where the Hell is Matt?" was possibly the last of the "Nifty Video Discoveries" Penny made... she was pretty fond of some really weird stuff (French Erotic Film for instance) being the most out-there.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 29th, 2008 01:24 pm (UTC)
You have more faith than I ever did, I think.
Jun. 29th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
According to something published last year, Mother Teresa of Calcutta was one of those people with an utterly profound faith, her whole life aware of the love and presence of God, giving up everything for the calling she felt, until she realized she was called to open the hospital for the poor, so she worked hard to get permission, to demonstrate that it was a true calling, and at the moment when she got permission from the church and stepped through the door into the building that they'd acquired ... that sense of Presence stopped and never came back.

Some people saw that as God abandoning her, or her faith failing, or something. I immediately recognized it though. She had been prepared, she had been trained, she had accepted the call, and God did not abandon her, rather, in the metaphor of the Body of Christ, she had become God's hands.

It may be that she had relied too much on the sense of Presence, it may be that some of her human mistakes and failings came from her failure to learn a different way to know God's presence, and that she needed stronger spiritual direction, but I don't think she ever thought that God had abandoned her, whatever her emotions told her.

Spiritual direction being the key ... I suppose that's where I'm needing to focus.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


Steve Hutchison

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