One side effect to the mouthpiece working to help me sleep better: I am dreaming more. And with trying to get more than six hours of sleep in a night. I've had three dreams in the last three weeks with Penny in them, and in the dreams, everything was in an extension of the state which things were in at late-summer 2005. She's not very mobile, is still quite dependent, but is still very positive and hope-filled, most of the time. Same for me, strangely. Yet, the circumstances are all different and reflect the unsettled potential of my own future.
I didn't go to church this morning. Sore throat when I finally got to the point where I realized I should go to sleep. Still somewhat sore when I got up (six hours, woke up normally, dangit.)
Became more curious about something scixual said in twitter, and dug through his back LJ to learn the details of his roommate-and-dear-friend Tony's death. It's here ... and it's brought back a lot of what I spent the early part of 2006 doing. I also hate, loathe, and despise the filthy portmanteau "cremains" and I wanted to bludgeon the funeral director with his own "remembrance vial" for using it. The word is "ashes". As in, what we are crossed with on Ash Wednesday to remind us that we will, inevitably, die, as far as this world is concerned, and our bodies will be burned, or eaten, or in a few infinitely rare cases, petrified. It's not fair. It's not kind, but, it doesn't need to be fair or kind or gentle. I believe in God, and that God is beyond and through and under and behind and entwined in, all of this universe that we call Creation. I don't believe because someone else told me to. I believe because when I ask, God answers. The Islamic teachings say that God is beyond human understanding, and they're right as far as they go, but they forget that God can manifest and reveal God's own self to us and we will understand to the extent we are created and impelled to be able to do so. I firmly believe that none of the abstracted, helpful approximation-images of God that we have is sufficient. As was said better by someone else whose name I forget, so I will steal it uncredited: Every metaphor and image we use to understand God is true, and simultaneously and instantaneously it is false. God transcends all this stuff. God the Father, because Fathers bring life about, because they build, because they protect, provide, encourage... but if you make an image of God as a human male with a beard and a smile and loving happy and occasional stern guidance and punishment you fail. God isn't a human male with a beard and a smile. That stern guidance comes in subtle and obscure forms and we are self-trained to ignore God's "voice" so that we eventually take years to develop the 'sense' that lets us 'hear' God communicating - because God speaks in very high bandwidth all the time and everywhere and through everything, but we don't focus on what forms that speech might take.
As a Christian, I believe that about 2009 years ago, give or take a few years, the infinite, transcendent, incomprehensible, and timeless God who is constantly creation and being, transcended God's own infinite, omnipresent, transcendent, and timeless nature to become a part of this specific creation in this specific speck, for around 33 years, and becoming a part of this world, made it possible for us to become transcendent.
33 years is a very very very short part of the 13.7 +/- 0.2 Gyr that this particular universe has existed since it (so the evidence strongly suggests) began as a superheated blossoming of two infinitely thin, infinitely dense, infintely energetic membranes which moved into intersection as they moved through a "spacetime" of unknown but yes, infinite, dimensions. The place where they crossed created twists, snarls, spins, and explodes into here and now; there's some new evidence that this isn't the only, or even the original, that this universe is possibly a bubble exploded off another, and perhaps even has its own little bubble-offspring, though whether they'd be reached through singularities or by going to a particular region and then moving in an impossible direction ... don't know, and it's too far away.
And God CREATES all of this. So very very very much more than we can keep in our own little models in our heads. Studies show that except for a few very unusual cases, humans can maintain a coherent relationship (a social network) with around 150 people. Other studies show about twice that, based on a different definition of relationships. This is not huge. God, we are told, KNOWS where everything IS and also HOW FAST it's going; Heisenburg's observation is not violated because of that "omnipresent" thing - which has always been and continues to be there, thus any complaint that it's affecting the awareness, is spurious because that omniscience is a part of the substrate.
And this is why I know that even if I, or Penny, or Tony, or anyone else, should die and be burned to ash and scattered and gone, there is still SOMEONE, who knows and has known everything I did, and do, and who has provided a way for me to accept that connection ... and who can "reboot" me into a different reality, or something beyond it, should that SOMEONE choose to do so, and that whole 33 year "incarnation" thing was intended to communicate with me, and with everyone else here, that this was possible, and would take place, and oh yeah, that whole reboot thing? Well, it sort of starts NOW without actually requiring any explicit termination of the ongoing body-and-spirit. Some termination of prior patterns of choice and action, though.
When I think too hard about that stuff I tend to go off into that really abstract, complicated space, and it takes a bit of a mind shift to get back to the pragmatic. Like remembering dreams.
Remembering isn't bad, because the dreams have been returning to tell me that I really did push away a lot of the emotional processing, which is part of why my place is a mess. And, I won't be able to do anything about this alone. I need to find someone else who is willing, and wants to, help me do the hard parts: sort through the clothes to gift and donate. I've been going through books. I don't know if Penny's nieces like cooking, but there are some cookbooks they will be getting, if they do. And I need to get my pink dragon statuette, the christmas gift from so long ago, repaired where the fragile fimo broke loose.
Dealing with this emotional stuff doesn't seem to free up energy for me. It releases tension and pain though. That's good. Maybe energy will come afterwards.
In the fractal wandering through friend-of-friend I came across a discussion of the new photoshop fractalius filter and a link to a video by the band Chairlift that seems to be abusing that filter.
The band is amusing. I first heard their "Bruises" video on KNRK (did not know it had anything to do with a stupid iPod Nano commercial)... then the "official issued visuals" of Evident Utensil showed up and it's all fractalius all the time. Like watching an acid trip secondhand. The voices and mixing of "Bruises" are like a little jump into stereotype-twinky-kid-land. They should be portrayed in a video by slightly-SD blond loli-girl and slightly-SD blond boy-in-coveralls.
Also, the guy's voice in that song sounds like bryce.
Anyway. Spent two hours writing this. Time to get at least a little cleaning done before I waste the night working on an arc for City of Heroes. Also must phone my niece and find out what she wants me to configure for her repaired but wiped system.